4 Months

Just a quick note:

I just realized it is officially 4 months today that I have been fully on hormones.  January 4th, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist.  January 9th, my blood work came back and prescriptions were called in for spiro and estrogen.  January 10th, started spiro.  January 19th, finally started estrogen.  I can't believe it has been 4 months.  Still gonna take the slow path and wait as the hormones do there thing.

Weakness & Anger

For the past few months I have been trying to quit smoking.  I have mostly been successful.  I made it all the way through step 3 of the patch without cheating once.  But, I can not get off step 3.  I have tried twice now and each time I end up getting anxious and angry.  Angry for no reason.  Every little stupid thing sets me off.  The wind could blow and I'd get pissed.  I'm not sure what is going on with me.  Why can't I function without any nicotine in my system.  Why as soon as there is no nicotine in my system do I get mad and pick fights and get depressed.  Why am I so weak?????????  Since being on hormones I have felt a calm come over me, but as soon as I don't have a patch on that calmness goes away.  Each time I go off the patch I end up arguing with my wife for no reason, hurting her feelings.  I feel like I can't control myself.  Like I'm watching this happen and hearing the words come out of my mouth without being able to stop them.  I can't calm down.  I ended up having to go get more patches last night and put one on again.  It took a few hours, but I calmed down.  Today I have another patch on and I feel normal.  Why won't my body/mind let me be nicotine free.  I want to be, I really do, but I also don't want to feel that random stupid anger.  I don't want to hurt my wife with my words.  I feel so lost.  Maybe I just need to go away from people and just go off the patch and just let the stupid anger out.  I don't know.  I don't want to always be dependent on nicotine.  I fear my quitting smoking is slowly tearing my marriage apart when I go off the patch.  I just don't get it.  Maybe in 2 more weeks I'll be ready to go off the patch again.  I hope so.  I hope in two weeks I won't let the anger get to me.  Maybe in two weeks I won't feel weak.  I want to just be able to deal with situations calmly without nicotine.  I want to be the loving spouse with nicotine.

Patience is a Virtue

Patience is a virtue, right?  When I finally admitted to myself who I was last year and came out to my friends & family, it was like a freight train speeding out of control.  Everything was moving so fast, with no time to breathe or think.  I felt like I needed to hurry and learn makeup and fashion over night.  I felt like I needed to be out full time asap.  But recently I have figured out that it doesn't have to be over night.  It is ok for things to take time.  My world isn't quite ready for me to jump in with both feet.  And I'm ok with that.  Do I wish that I could magically be a woman? Of course.  But that is not realistic.  Hormones take time to work and I know that the older one is the longer it could take.  Some people see a noticeable difference with their body and features in a few months while others could take years to start seeing differences.  Each body reacts differently and changes at it's own pace.  I am by no means taking any steps backwards, I'm just slowing the pace and giving time for the hormones to do their thing.  I see some subtle changes over the past 4 months, moments of slowed growth of facial hair, breasts definitely hurting and holding shape, a more calmed demeanor, etc.  But nothing drastic yet, people who haven't seen me in months, don't notice a difference yet.  I am just going to take my time.  Slowly build a wardrobe, slowly practice makeup techniques, and if a chance arises for me to be in more girl mode or not worry about being seen wearing a bra, I will take it.  This past weekend one of my best friends and her mother came over because her mom sells Mary Kay.  She gave me and my wife a demo of some products and we played with makeup colors.  But at the end I said it could be a year or so before I need any makeup.  I realized that I was really ok with that.  In time, the noticeable changes will come.  In time I will hopefully be more passable with little effort.  Whether it is a few months from now or a few years from now, I know it will come.  I know I'm on the correct path.  I know who I am and I am willing to wait for it.  I want to make it clear that this is my path.  This is how I am taking it.  At this moment in time this is the correct course for me.  It may not be for anyone else, but it is for me.

Almost 4 Months

It has almost been 4 months since starting HRT.  I can't believe how fast 4 months have passed.  Not much in the changing department.  My breast are growing slowly, but boy do they hurt.  Every time a chill runs through my body it feels like lightning bolts are shooting out my nipples.  I have been progressively getting colder.  I wear a fleece jacket almost all the time and I'm still cold, I can't wait till it warms up outside.  Hair growth has been interesting.  It seems to be slow growing some days and others it is growing like wild fire.  My chest hair has continued to be slow growing which is good, I only have to shave my chest every other day.  My leg hair seems to go in spurts... one moment it's taking longer to grow and the next I'm a wookie... guess this is the joys of the hormones leveling out.  Arm hair is taking longer to grow.  Facial hair has stayed the same: slow growing with straight razor, slightly less normal growth with electric razor.  Too bad I can't use a straight razor every day, but I get major razor burn by the second day.  My metabolism has seemed to change a bit, I'm eating more, but not gaining weight... staying about the same.  I do need to start exercising though, I bought some cute shirts from Vicky's but I need to lose my love handles.  This past Sunday I discovered how helpful bras really are.  We went to Easter service at my great-aunt's church and I wore a suit in total boy mode.  Without having a bra on, my A's were jiggling a little bit and my nipples were rubbing against the fabric of my shirt causing major discomfort, plus they were cold without a bra on.  I think that's it on my HRT progress.

And a very happy note, one of my best friends messaged me today.  Her mom, who sells Mary Kay and knows about me, offered to do a sit down and teach me some makeup tips and try some different foundations.   I am so excited!!! We are doing it this Saturday and it's gonna be loads of fun. I can not wait.